Facing the Unexpected

This morning after breakfast I proceeded to wash out my coffee cup. Some can relate that this is not always a simple task. Today, the neuropathy in my hands, caused by rounds of chemotherapy, is in full swing. Being somewhat stubborn and independent I thought nothing of taking on this task. However, I lost control and my cup slipped between my fingers and burst into many pieces. Tossing the broken pieces into the trash, I was filled with emotion followed by a meltdown.

While crying, I took time to understand the whole of this experience. The cup was a favorite object given to me by my son during his first post-college job at the Biltmore Estates here in Asheville. As simple as it may seem, I used the cup every day as it reminded me of the pride I hold in my children.

Were these tears for a cup?

My tears went on for some time, now with self-criticism for being upset over the loss of an object. I told myself there were more important things to consider. Luckily I realized rather quickly I wasn't crying for a cup. I had several in my pantry.

Was it possible I was crying for me, the lost object who will likely never be the same? Perhaps I was crying for the many losses and the fear of the loss of joyful memories we hold as a family. I am certain that the tears were also filled with thoughts of a future and unrealized dreams that may never be.

Yes, the sadness is bigger than this one object. Grief does just this. It tends to gather up all the loose pieces of the porcelain of your history with loss, especially unresolved loss and submits you to feel it all again.

Acknowledge the change

Yet, I am the woman who tackled the world by pushing fear aside. Now I often feel vulnerable and limited. I was known to be a change agent, a pioneer in my work in healthcare. I held a vision and asked for positions that were not yet considered to be part of our service to patients.

Now I can't imagine walking the halls of a hospital or participating in a code. Nor can I envision mustering up the energy to influence administrators to create a budget to include a Nurse Navigator Program, a unique and separate Cancer Center, or Palliative Care Program within the hospital. All of this work proved to be successful because it was the right thing to do.

Let's take back control

Ovarian cancer is both robust and very subtle in the way it creates change. It enters our lives with little warning and often not until we are late in the fight. Since it is always a greater challenge to walk backward to retrace our steps, let's try our best to walk this journey forward.

• Remember to forgive yourself for things left undone, including any thoughts that you contributed to allowing cancer in your life. Forgiveness is powerful and relieving.
• Recognize when you may have limitations and consider ways to adapt to a changing physical self. This could mean that the use of a cane or walker might enhance greater participation in events.
• Allow for times of rest being careful not to use all your hours of sleep during daytime hours. Time awake and alone at night tends to raise thoughts of sadness.
• Express your love and gratitude. What you send out will return in multiples.
• Encourage ways to better understand yourself and your thoughts that may get in your way.
• Acknowledge your feelings and let yourself release those tears.
• Congratulate yourself for all your achievements and the many people you have impacted.
• Love yourself even when you do not feel loveable.

Remember you are not alone. We got you.