Several Shades of Grief

As a nurse and grief therapist, I learned a lot about people and loss. Some insisted, "The greater the love, the more painful the grieving." The absence of someone or something we love can create a significant void that may never be filled. Yet, this is not the whole story about this passage of life.

Do we grieve more profoundly when we love so deeply? What if your grief is not yours alone? Could it be generations of unresolved loss? Or, is it survivor's guilt that may not have an easy end at all? Is there something to learn as you finally acknowledge an end to this life as you know it?

What do we know about grief and loss?

Many possibilities impact our grieving and the resolution of loss. As a result of research on grief, educators and counselors now know a great deal about this subject. From them, we learn that grief knows no rules or boundaries. Each of us experiences grief differently. This personal response may be based on relationships, support, and previous experience. Grieving may take its own time and space. We also know some steps that can help a person reach acceptance.

Anticipation of loss

Grief is an emotional response to loss, but not limited to an actual loss. Therefore, the anticipation of death and dying can be a powerful trigger. It can cause turmoil in individuals and families that stimulate disruption in their lives. Fear of loss and anticipatory grieving represent a deep sadness that resembles the same experience as death.

The emotional response to loss

Loss is overwhelming and presents a variety of emotions. Most prominent are feelings of anger, blame, sadness, anxiety, and depression. Some behaviors may seem irrational, while they may be helping the person regain control.

Grief occurs for both the person who is dying and the survivors. When learning you have cancer, it is usual to feel numb, have difficulty managing everyday tasks, and suddenly lose interest in the world around you. Conservation of Energy has been recognized in nursing as a phenomenon as patients enter a sick role.

Imagine avoiding rest when you have had the flu. Cancer, surgery, radiation, and infusions can rob a person of energy. Conserving whatever is available by taking measures is meant to improve the ability to heal. Unfortunately, it tends to separate the person who is ill from family and friends.

Acknowledging a loss

I can recall a professor stating, "The greatest loss of all is the loss of me and thee." This statement became more clear when I was diagnosed with metastatic ovarian cancer stage 3C. Obviously, I don't have a pill or a potion that would eliminate the pain of loss. I almost hate to admit that grief is far from an event that can be managed or intellectualized to make it go away.

Take time to acknowledge and feel the pain. As strange as it may seem, a powerful step in successfully mourning a loss rests with the ability to accept the reality of loss. Psychologist J. William Worden is known best for his Tasks of Mourning. In general, he focuses on survivors of grief; however, remain mindful of your own tasks as your illness progresses.

The pain of loss for the dying person

For me, the pain of anticipatory grief comes in the form of a lump in my throat that often stops the words and thoughts from flowing. It is always associated with the same thought. I pray for the courage to accept all that is before me. The loss of my sweet family is likely the most painful part of all this. Like most of us, I imagined living forever. I saw myself at weddings and graduations and perhaps the arrival of new babies.

I realize this is very personal and different for every one of us facing dying and death. Consider taking back control so that you can have the life you choose for the rest of your life.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.