In the Still of the Night: Time Well Spent

As I learn more about my experience with advanced ovarian cancer, I realize that many of us wake up unexpectedly at night. I think this is also a part of my advanced age. However, sometimes the experiences are hard to distinguish from the whole of who I am.

I know this is one of the loneliest times of the day as I listen to my husband gently breathing and sometimes stirring. Although retired, he tells me he frequently returns to work in his dreams and tries to resolve some never-ending issues. I guess once a workhorse, always one.

So many ironies

So many ironies. We engage in treatments, infusions, and oral medications with purpose. Unfortunately, this effort can also intrude on everyday life by bringing exhaustive side effects. Despite all this, the intent is to be able to participate in a noble fight.

When I look into the eyes of my beloved family members and dear friends, I have confidence that I did what I could to stay alive and be present for them and me. Fortunately, my faith also tells me there is an even chance I will go to heaven one day. However, I am inclined for it not to be this day.

Staying alive

Leo Buscaglia, an American author and lecturer, spent his career promoting the value of the expression of love. Sometimes even ridiculed, he explained that:

"For most, no ticker-tape parades or monuments will be created in our honor. However, may we all realize the impact we can have on others."

There may be boatloads of people who appreciate our compassion, talents, and desires for others to live happier lives. Buscaglia affirmed the many opportunities around us to listen intently and show acts of kindness. He added that our empathy can potentially turn a person's life around.

Perhaps it is the guidance you offer your children while moderating the urge to let them glide on their own. Could it be a generous offer of time to a charity? Perhaps it is creating a safe environment for someone not currently secure.

I recognize that my days of endless meetings and attempts at achieving status or gaining "wins" are over. I rejoice in being able to eliminate this type of stress. Instead, my days and nights are filled with thinking about opportunities to be the person who brings others joy.

How to begin

• Address human ailments and the urge to complain about this overly-consuming illness. Many emotional and physical pains are associated with advanced cancer, but do your best to limit a sick role.
• Embrace all the healthy parts of you.
• Fill your life with loving people and nurture those relationships.
• Catch a fallen star. Reignite lost relationships that have unfinished business.
• Own your experience, as it may be essential to healing for you and others.
• Love yourself despite carrying the diagnosis of cancer. Remember, you are more than your cancer.
• Consider all those things that bring you joy. Then, create steps to put them into action.
• Limit the have-to's and explore supportive offers of assistance. This is not a time to let pride reduce the chance of getting needs met.
• Believe in yourself. It's time to define or redefine your purpose and meaning.
• Remember your caregivers and support them as they assist you through some dark times.

In the words of a friend

"I think a good life is possible. An easy one? I'm not so sure. I've read about them and heard songs about them. But I've yet to meet one...

A good life is being in the company of people who pray softly and listen hard...

A good life means getting to hear your one true name spoken: You are loved, and you are not alone..."

~ Tim Jones

My readers, I ask what I ask of myself. Maintain your courage and believe in yourself. ~ Ellen Reed

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.