Strengthening Resilience

While in a state of confusion and turmoil after restarting chemotherapy, it still gives me great peace to remind myself to stay in the present. This statement is my daily mantra. I follow quickly with whispers of gratitude and share this with you today:

In the now, I am safe and making it through yet another day. Life is kind. I surround myself with loving people. Together we tolerate the changes we are experiencing and openly grieve the losses.

Finally, of great importance, I accept and honor my life.

Thank you, God, for filling my life with purpose and meaning; and for my willingness to find new substance and definition for life as it has become. I especially thank you for those who stay close to me no matter how ugly things get.

I give thanks for past experiences which prepared me for the emotional and physical pain and the anticipation of loss. Yet, in my heart, I know that while life is good today, something is brewing inside of me that may start me on a path to the end of the life I know.

Losses

Having cancer and living with the treatment is not always a pretty sight. My sisters and I, already in advanced stages of ovarian cancer, create a new reality with which we cope. We may need to accept a new definition of independence. It's not that stage of life when you are suddenly allowed to stay out late.

Independence involves all the adaptation we can muster. Walking may require a cane, a walker, or a helping hand. My love of food and creating beautiful meals for others to enjoy is limited to a few days a month. Travel is truly out of the question except for living vicariously and enjoying the many photos my friends post on Facebook.

Never again will I hear the cow bells ringing on a mountainside in Bavaria. Or stand in line, ready to throw my three coins into the Trevi Fountain. There likely is no return.

Reclaim the life you do have

Or it may be as simple as timing. Remember, knowledge is power. Communicate with your provider and treatment team. Become mindful of the function of white blood cells, neutrophils, and platelets. Doing so may enhance your time to be in public, even during active treatment. Learn if there are times when your labs indicate a safety net. Be sure to ask your doctors the parameter you may take to feel as though life is in your hands. Finally, remind the team that isolation from others may be worse than other outcomes.

Taking on the challenge and turning life around

Indeed we all have events in life that make us stop and question our ability to go on. This concept is very near to me as I constantly weigh the benefits of returning to chemotherapy after a five-month hiatus. Then I turn to all I learned along the way.

In her book on Resilience, Linda Graham suggests that despite your awareness of personal loss, consider "savoring joy" and all things that warm your heart.

• Imagine holding a kitten, a puppy, or a toddler full of life and expectation.
• Consider yourself on vacation with family. Recall the good, the bad, and the ugly, allowing yourself to laugh out loud.
• Remember the last time someone celebrated you and your life. Listen carefully to what they say about the meaning you bring.
• Work on your future. It's not too late to build some lasting memories.

I still want to be someone's hero. Let others remember something about me. May I be seen as honest, open, dependable yet tendered-hearted, and willing to learn what it takes to accept bumps in the road? There is no need to be right all of the time. Let me be the paraclete, the teacher, the counselor, and the healer. I want to be willing to feel my feelings, even the ones that bring tears to my eyes.
Ellen Reed