From Darkness to Light

My second diagnosis of ovarian cancer was so much more difficult than my first time. I was diagnosed at a much more advanced stage. By the time I found out exactly where I was health-wise and what needed to be done, I was already in stage 3, almost stage 4! I was also diagnosed with second cancer at the same time.

I wanted to be strong and handle this like a champion, as I did the first. I told myself that I needed to, I had. I had a family now, and so much more at stake. I had so much more to lose... Sadly, these were just words and the only thing I was losing was my mind to my private agonizing pain.

Spiraling downward

I knew something was wrong and should have seen the doctor right away, but I didn't. At the time, my family had lost our home and I was living in my truck for three months. My children were living with friends and my marriage was absolutely falling apart. However, I was hiding my physical symptoms and pain, as well as all that I was going through from everyone. Going through my days with a smile and spending my nights alone in tears, of an uncertain future.

When I finally got my heartbreaking news, I couldn't run to my husband's arms for comfort like I desperately needed. He was seeing someone else, and he was no longer my husband. His comfort was no longer for me.

Shifting my perspective

Ovarian cancer is a cancer that already robs a woman of so much of her dignity, identity, and womanhood. The last thing I needed was a spouse that made me question my worth, value, and self-esteem. I began to spiral into a horrible depression, so I felt I was dying twice and very much alone.

I immediately shifted my life and began to help others even more than I already had. Hoping to fill a deep void and heal myself but it only hurt more. It was hard to be what I so desperately needed for myself. Yet I continued on, giving all the life and light I had, while secretly living in a painfully dark place.

Darkness

This led me to the one of the lowest times of my life and unfortunately an attempt to end my life. I left chemotherapy that day, came home, packed a small bag, said goodbye to my husband and kids, and left. I was always on the go so much that they hadn't realized I said, "Goodbye" and certainly not for the last time. I wish I could say what triggered me to feel this was it, what made me feel I just couldn't fight. I believe it was a series of things and a culmination of time. It was all the pain both physical and emotional. The feeling of helplessness and hopelessness and the feeling that I couldn't save myself or protect my loved ones. I was overwhelmed and internalizing it behind a beautiful smile and shining eyes. I think I finally had enough, and I didn't want to discuss it with anyone. I was just done.

Finding the light

I checked myself into a hotel, closed the curtains, turned on the tv, and laid down. After 2 days, I took a handful of pills, wrote a letter to my children, and closed my eyes. I have no idea why I woke up to the sound of my ringing phone, but I did! I woke up albeit extremely sick. I woke up! My phone was ringing and ringing. By then my family was worried about me and my children had been texting and calling me begging me to come home. I sat up in bed trying to understand why I survived. I don't know why other than I was supposed to.

That was in 2016. Thankfully, I am still here and although still fighting cancer, I am living my best life! Got to see my children graduate, my grandson arrives, and I am happily divorced and found love again.

Today my smile is bright and genuine. I am at peace and happy!