Magical Thinking: How Could This Be Happening to Me?

At birth, humans start a life-long journey of learning. Imagine observing an infant and their amazement as they watch their tiny hand move- turning left and right in the air. Then, visual acuity improves, and suddenly they realize they can control this movement. With some effort, they can even find pleasure and fulfillment by seeking out food and opportunities to touch and seek comfort.

Creating the foundation 

Individuals advance physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually depending on experiences, environmental influences, and pre-determined genetic factors. Without realizing it, thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, and beliefs start to form. We instinctively engage and develop relationships with those around us. If we are fortunate, we experience acceptance and belonging that helps us further proceed through milestones of independence and individuation.

Our passage and learning to cope

Our passage in life is such a see-saw of closeness and separation until, in the end, we ultimately stand alone. However, as we face new and different experiences, we can master a variety of skills throughout life and are still capable of learning into old age. Yes, with some willingness on everyone's part, we can teach an old dog new tricks.

Often we hear that children watch the way adults manage life. Your pattern as you face cancer at this very moment may be a mirror of times past. Individuals and family members respond in various ways when stuff happens.

It may be time to consider just how you and others manage stress. Is everything a crisis, or have you prepared yourself that there is a season for everything? Not one of us is immune to suffering and death. Suppose you and your family have experienced cancer before; you may better understand the process and the consequences, thereby having a store of information and experience that may help you cope.

Cancer can easily place us in a state of crisis

A crisis can be a turning point offering growth and potential. It may provide a place to demonstrate healthy coping and allow us to show all that we know about survival. Generally, it is an experience for which we have limited coping. Therefore, it quickly stresses the best of our families and us. Easily, at the time of diagnosis, people become disorganized and frightened. Some people take flight or even reject the diagnosis or any opportunities for treatment.

Not all relationships endure this crisis. The changes in family roles alone can add to the disturbance. By this, I mean the family caretaker may suddenly be the person in need. Perhaps no one else learned these tasks as other family members were set and not used to taking charge when someone was in need. Once again, it is a time to encourage honest and open communication.

How could this be happening to me?

Developmental psychologists report that magical thinking is a normal phase in childhood. Stated quite simply, magical thinking is the belief that one's ideas, thoughts, actions, or words can influence the course of events in our world. For example, as little ones, we may recite the song, "Step on a crack and break your mother's back." Moreover, we know that this idea transfers to adulthood. For example, we sometimes hear that wearing your lucky underwear to a test ensures you will ace an exam. Or will your wishes come true merely if you want something badly enough?

Do we have control over our destiny? As in centuries past, do you believe health issues and adverse events come to you because of past harmful deeds that continue to make you feel guilty? Or, more commonly today, do you realize that bad things can happen to even good people?

There is nothing magical about cancer 

As 1 of 78 women with ovarian cancer, I am not in this position because of anything I did or didn't do in life. However, I am hardly perfect, so let's look at the innocent children who experience cancer. Cancer is an illness with a scientific base. When the right circumstances are present and stimulated by known and unknown conditions, cells proliferate and take control of previously healthy parts of our body.

If you are waiting for all the "King's horses and all the King's men to put you back together again," it may be a long wait. However, with the opportunities to engage in decision-making with your treatment team and a willingness to communicate your needs clearly, I can attest to the possibility of a better process and hopefully a better outcome.

Take charge of your life

It has been four years since I was diagnosed with stage IIIC ovarian cancer. When I foolishly asked about prognosis and longevity, I received an honest response from my Medical Oncologist, someone I truly admired and revered. I realize no man knows, but four years was a likely consideration.

Last month I restarted a round of chemo. As hard as it is to admit, I face the reality that no matter what I do, I will not be able to survive in this advanced stage. But I choose to hold off the inevitable outcome for as long as possible.

• When things are going amiss, speak up: When I restarted chemo in May 2022, the oncologist's plan was every week for three weeks X 6 months. After two weeks, I recognized the chemo had depleted my body, and I could not safely go on. I mustered the strength and made it clear that the treatment was destroying my survival ability, and I had to rethink my choice to continue.
• Collaborate: Include your treatment team with family as your sounding board. For example, my newly assigned oncologist heard my plea. Together we agreed to premedication and post-medication to enable me to tolerate the many side effects. I am sure lots of my sisters can relate to the need to medicate the GI effects of chemo. This measure is the thing that protects me from organ failure.
• Place yourself first: A new concept for me, but one that is in process
• Fear not, for you are not alone: You have all of us willing to support your every step of the way.
• Find your resilience: I continue to visualize myself as healthy again and how I will fill my life, not with doctor appointments, but surrounded by laughter and the joy of family and friends.

I send you all love and peace.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.