How to Help a Loved One in Denial About Their Illness

Getting the news that you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness can be scary. Finding out that your illness may be terminal or is terminal can be terrifying for a patient and everyone involved in their care. There are many coping mechanisms that patients and caregivers turn to when they have to confront a terminal illness. Denial is definitely one of the ways people cope.¹

Dealing with denial

While denial can feel self-protective or even harmless, it can actually lead to some serious issues if not dealt with. Denial can be a hindrance to open discussions about death and dying.¹ Without these open discussions, it can be very hard to make advanced care planning. Many aspects of advanced care planning are important for patients and families. This can include where a person wants to receive end-of-life care, or even where they want to die, such as in their own home, in a hospice facility, or in a hospital.¹

Denial can lead to unrealistic treatment decisions

Denial can also cause patients to make unrealistic decisions about their treatment.¹ Someone may feel that they do not have to take their medicine or be consistent about their treatment. They may not believe they are actually as sick as their doctor says they are. They may also seek aggressive treatments that are not going to help them get better and may be beyond their physical and financial means.¹

Others may turn to alternative therapies that be unhelpful, and at the worst harmful.² They may not seek palliative care that could help with pain because it may feel like giving up.

What are some of the best ways to help a person or a family member who is in denial about a terminal illness?

Listen without judgment

Denial can be a way someone controls their own environment until they are ready to process and understand an important, overwhelming piece of information. Sometimes people need someone to talk to who can be a sounding board to work through their own thoughts. Being available to just listen without judging someone for their denial may help them work through these thoughts.²

Know they are probably scared

A terminal diagnosis is a scary thought. The person may be fearful for themselves and their loved ones. They may be scared about how their disease will affect the people they love and their relationships with those people. Some may question big, spiritual issues, such as their religious beliefs and what will happen after they die.

Know that it is okay to try to talk about big subjects. It is also okay to refer your loved one to someone who may be more comfortable with these tough subjects, such as a hospital chaplain, a trusted spiritual leader, or even a counselor.²

Be supportive and available to talk

The person with a terminal illness may need to have tough conversations with friends and family about money, where they want to receive end-of-life care, and who they want to deliver that care. Parents may have to have hard conversations with their children about their illness and death.

Anticipating the difficulties of these conversations may lead to avoiding these talks completely. Being available and supportive can help the patient work through some of these tough discussions and feel like they have the power to take charge of their own situation.²

Don’t be afraid to seek help

You should not expect yourself to bring someone out of denial alone. Many of these conversations are hard to have. If you notice the person seems to want to talk but you feel unqualified to help, encourage them to talk to their care team. These professionals have been there before and have access to resources to help you both.

Most care teams have social workers, counselors, and other excellent support to help you and your loved one work through this tough time. They also may be able to point you to reliable online resources to help guide you through this time.

Diagnosis of a terminal illness is a stressful situation. Helping a patient through the denial of their diagnosis is not an easy position to be in, but it can help alleviate further issues as your loved one moves through their disease. Try to be as understanding as possible, and do not be afraid to ask for help.