What's Love Got to Do With It?

I imagine some of you have read my previous articles where I share my advanced ovarian cancer journey. I am always grateful if these represent reality and hope for others traveling this path. With the aid of chemotherapy treatment, I am filled with gratefulness and awe that I am still alive.

Like others, my oncologist warned me that the visual evidence in surgery and the pathology report indicating Stage III C might only afford 4 more years of life. Despite the odds, I  am still here and doing my best to flourish. I did have several breaks in the action where my organs reminded us that chemo could be toxic to other organ systems. Taking a brief holiday from medications seemed to help.

Occasionally, I question my judgment and that of my treatment team. Sometimes I feel myself holding onto life by a fragile thread. All the while, I ask myself,

"Why do this to yourself? What do you hope to gain in all this additional self-imposed suffering?"

Managing life

Some of us approach every difficult situation in life as a crisis. However, each of these events offers an opportunity to fall apart or be open to learning the lesson of resilience. Throughout life, including my current experience of chaos and uncertainty, I do my best to believe that there is meaning in all behavior. Always the role model, it is possible to try to take in all we can before reaching the worst conclusion.

For me, there is always much anxiety awaiting the results of a PET scan. Unfortunately, this time the anticipation and tension aligned with reality. The scan from earlier in the week indicated the cancer was now present in my right lung. In addition, other tumors found in my lymph nodes increased in size. Finally, there was new evidence of a "maxillofacial node." This was not good news. So now what?

Time to regroup

Admittedly, this news brought on some tears. As a big believer in feeling my feelings, I encourage others to do so. Unfortunately, it is far too easy to intellectualize away the gravity of these findings. The increase of evidence in lymph nodes may hold the greatest danger for the progression of this illness. Simply said, the risk of cancer spreading to the brain frightens me as it could limit my ability to relate and communicate.

It is reasonable to acknowledge that I have been on borrowed time for the last eight months. But having cancer is downright interfering with a desire to be present to my family and to give something back.

Another aha moment: It's all about love

So here are the simple facts. I ask each of you to take an honest inventory. How and why are you engaged in this fight for your life? For me, it is all about love. It is clearly a major goal to be able to stick around to share it with others.

My belief in the love of God creates a commitment to offer my life's work intentionally. I am encircled by a loving husband and children who provide incredible tangible support on a daily basis. My colleagues, friends, and family remind me that my will to live offers them hope.

Considering all options

So here we go again. Despite the fear of the side effects that may alter life once again. (There is a long list, including low blood cell counts, weakness, fatigue, bone marrow depletion, or acute myeloid leukemia) my oncologist suggested a PARP (Poly ADP Ribose Polymerase) inhibitor. This is considered a monotherapy for advanced ovarian cancer when the patient has already been treated with two or more other lines of chemotherapy.

My physician and I agreed that I would try it. However, if the treatment seems to outweigh the quality of life, we can stop this oral medication at any time. To answer the question I posed about "Why," I am fairly confident it is about love.

In conclusion

In Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin's Eeyore is absent for a while. Pooh and Piglet went on a search to see if he is ok. Eeyore let them know he had been feeling sad and that he was not much fun to be around. Pooh and Piglet spontaneously sat beside him and reminded him:

"We're sitting with you because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling sad, alone, or not much fun to be around. True friends are here for you anyway. And so here we are."

To all of you, I lovingly celebrate your strength, your desire for love, and your hope. And so we are here for you, too.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.