If Ever I Would Leave You

By Ellen Reed

2 min read

I have been in love with life for the last 74 years. Yet, like many, I experienced great joy and unimaginable loss. Out of this and my advanced nursing background, my determination motivates me to be a light for others struggling with loss.

My style remains today. So dear hearts, I send forth no smoke and mirrors or signs of snake oil or magical potions but a sincere approach based upon the well-established theories and practices of many death educators and counselors who come before me. As a therapist, death and dying were my areas of expertise. As a result, I quickly learned that being present to extreme sadness was my superpower.

Diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer Stage IIIC, I learned I could expect four years of life with ongoing chemotherapy and immunotherapy. I have a highly skilled treatment team and feel blessed by support from amazing family and friends. But, as is my style, I want to be prepared and help others become prepared with me.

Attempting to be prepared

All of my forms and papers are up to date to support my healthcare and end-of-life decisions. I selected all the hymns and readings for my funeral service. Our minister is on board. Discussions have occurred, and copies of the legal paperwork are with our attorney and family.

I am unaware of any regrets or unfinished business as I painfully addressed my thoughts and feelings relatively soon after diagnosis.

A new awareness

However, this weekend, when we attended a palliative care and hospice discussion, a new measure of uncertainty revealed itself.

Our group leader, who defined herself as a death doula, asked members where and how they wanted to die. Hmm.

How do I want to die?

My husband and I left the room confused and unsure since we found a new stone yet unturned. My immediate instinct will always be to protect my family. I assume my desire to protect also goes for the events in and around my dying. I would like it to be as easy on them as possible.

However, being at the bedside of many dying patients, I know it isn't always a time to wrap things up with pink bows. There may be a loss of body fluids or even a need for nursing interventions. The question remains whether I plan to live out my last moments surrounded by my beautiful family or do I do whatever one does to reserve space at our local hospice center.

About one thing I am confident - my hope to be able to say my meaningful goodbyes to everyone I love. I also hope my family members find the words to tell me the meaning we held for each other and thereby allow themselves to grieve.

My encouragement for all

I often think of a song from Camelot, " If Ever I Would Leave You." Alan Lerner and Frederick Loewe majestically convince us there is no good season to leave the ones you love. It can't be spring, summer, fall, or winter. Yet when death comes, it determines the time and date.

So let us all take control of what we can. Be hopeful and active in your efforts to live your life. Address any regrets and unfinished business. Acknowledge place in the world. And at the same time, be prepared, speak your words of love and gratitude and prepare to leave in peace.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The AdvancedOvarianCancer.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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ksabicycles Member
Thank you for your responses. I continue to feel goid however another "mass" was discovered and surgery already scheduled. This time I'm more worried. Been told possibility of colostomy. Needless to say this was not what I wanted to hear. It shook me. I've been encouraged to seek second opinion and thought about it but I feel I've trusted my dr up until now and need to continue to do so. I hope I'm right. Now they need to come up with an easier way to prep for surgery!!
1. DonnaFA Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="ksabicycles" user-id="5023600"/>, it's a gut check thing, I think. IF your gut tells you that your doctor is in sync with you and hears you, it's okay to continue to invest your trust. When you feel that you are not being heard, and when your concerns are not being addressed, that's definitely a time to change. Sending you love, light and healing for your upcoming surgery. - War, (((hugs))), Donna (team member)
Leya Elijah Member
<inline-mention username="Ellen Reed" user-id="4536352"/> Thank you for being so open and sharing this with us! I was initially up to five years, then it was 3 years. That was 8 years ago!! However, I fully prepared my family. It was harder 8 years ago; my children were all still in school. My mom is in control of most of my affairs. My children are all adults now with families and lives of their own. They understand and respect my final wishes. It's important for your loved ones to know, even if you have no timeline. Unfortunately, things can change quickly and suddenly.
ksabicycles Member
I would like to know why you felt or how you knew you only had 4 years to live. I also was diagnosed with stage IIIC ovarian cancer and I have never been told how long I have to live...or when I was going to die. I don't think this approach is a healthy one. I have gone through a lot in the past year and a half and currently on maintenance program with infusions every 21 days and taking pills twice a day and quite frankly I feel better then I thought I would. But, I don't have or plan to set a time line. Why? Maybe I'm sticking my head in the sand but until I have to think about the alternative why would I? 
1. CommunityMember49 Member
 Dear <inline-mention username="ksabicycles" user-id="5023600"/>, Your question is a good one. I imagine each of us are unique and have our own way that works best in our coping. I encourage you to do what you prefer to do. I have always been a planner. Because I find comfort in knowing what I must face, I asked my oncologist outright. His answer was based on a statistical norm as staging defines the amount of involvement of the disease. Using PET scans, it is usually possible to observe any advance. Despite aggressive surgeries and chemo, I began this journey with evidence of metastases. As a result, I realize there will be a day when cancer or its effects on other organs will define the end for me. Facing this has encouraged me to always communicate what I find with my family and prepare. I don't want to leave this earth without telling people how important they have been. I am happy to report I have passed the 4-year mark and continue to engage in active chemo regimes or maintenance. Chemo has been overwhelming and included kidney shutdown at one point. Maintenance is far easier on my body. For my family and me, facing this reality helps us remain close and open in our communication. There is not one way. I offer you support and peace as you walk your path. It is encouraging to hear you are feeling better. Ellen Reed, aOC patient leader and moderator. 
2. Leya Elijah Member
 <inline-mention username="ksabicycles" user-id="5023600"/> Every oncologist is different with how they handle their patients. There are definitely pros and cons to this approach. I don't mind knowing initially. I don't think it should be a blueprint to follow or constant discussion. That's way to much for a person to handle. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better than you thought you would. That is what we want to hear! That is great! Sending you hugs (((Hugs)))

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