Cancer and Loss (Part 2)

I think there are two forms of grief that come with a cancer diagnosis - the loss of who you once were that you so badly wish at times you could go back to again and the loss of fellow cancer survivors who we may become friends with or grow to love like family.

Cancer and Loss (Part 1) took a look at the first, now let's talk about the latter - the loss of fellow cancer survivors. The inevitable part of being a part of this community.

There's a special bond between cancer survivors

When you become a part of the cancer community you form relationships with other cancer patients. It’s something that’s so comforting because this person gets you - they know what it’s like to be in your shoes. But there are times, more often than we’d like, that the people we meet, who become our friends and support system, are no longer with us. I think it can be more challenging than just losing a friend who didn’t have cancer, because as one who’s been diagnosed with cancer as well...you know, without a doubt, that that could have very well been you and not him or her. And that’s hard.

How can we keep forming new relationships

I find lately that I struggle with how do I keep forming relationships knowing that there is a very real possibility they’ll no longer be here.

The one thing that I try to remind myself of is that the friends we lose don’t want us to look back and only remember the hard part. They want you to remember the good times, the best parts they brought out in you. And because of that alone, you find a way to keep advocating, living, and doing all the things because if they could, they’d be doing the same. You'd want for them to do the same.

I don’t think this ever gets easier, we don’t cry or mourn the loss any less...each one hurts just the same. But you learn what you need to process...time. Each loss hits a little different given the circumstances and relationship you may have had.

How I cope with grief

Here are a couple of things that I've found helpful:

• Acknowledge the loss - the pain you feel, the anger you feel. It is okay to be both of these things. It's okay to say we are sad, we are angry - bottling it up only makes the emotions stronger, and navigating it alone doesn't help anyone.
• Give yourself time - I don't think time heals all wounds, I think time allows for you to process the loss. You still miss the person the same no matter what, you just learn to live with the loss and despite the loss.
• Do things they would have loved in memory of them - it can be hard to figure out how to move forward, so an easy first step may be that you think about the things either they loved or that you loved to do together. With time, and as you feel you want to, add these things back in, it can be a really great way to always have them with you.

Grief after a cancer diagnosis is unavoidable. Hopefully, with a few tips and tricks provided, you can learn how to not only navigate but process the different types in an effort to become grounded and move forward despite the loss and fear.