It's Me - It's Not You: Coping Styles and New Motivation

As a therapist, I'm bewildered when I hear the message, "It's me. It's not you." People use this statement to indicate ownership of an interpersonal problem. However, does taking responsibility cause less discomfort or actually inhibit and stifle a person or person's ability to take action and make necessary changes?

As humans, we live with the sum total of all experiences dating back to conception. But, in truth, I firmly believe we inherit the pain of loss from previous generations. Indeed people react to emotional situations to the extent of their established boundaries.

Coping styles

The unspoken boundary of a person describes where they begin and end. We couldn't get by each day if we took on every situation in the world and made it ours. I believe that if I did, I wouldn't get past the morning news.

Therefore, when a crisis happens between 2 people or in a family or a community, we often revert back to what we know and seek familiar ways to manage it. Sometimes we even take on the coping styles we so carefully learned from our parents or those caregivers we trust.

However, the new event may require more profound knowledge and assistance as it easily represents a crisis.

Perfectly imperfect

Dr. Bernie Seigel coined the phrase, "We are perfectly imperfect." This is not to let us "off the hook" but to encourage us to recognize our own baseline. Or, more simply said, how much stuff can I handle? Have I allowed life experiences to teach me about myself and others? Or have I too quickly stepped away from the emotional response of loss? Do I need to take more time and offer more respect to others who have this need?

Predictably, when living a life constantly stuffing our emotional pain and failing to recognize its impact, there are consequences. Sometimes people act out frivolously and inappropriately. Others report physical difficulties that prove unmanageable.

All this effort to avoid the fact of reality before them complicates life and makes therapists wealthy.

Cancer affects us all

As I write you, I know my stage III C ovarian cancer has already advanced.

Cancer impacts my future despite the surgeries and the best efforts of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. However, it also affects those around me. Unfortunately, my husband and children are victims of this reality.

I encourage each of you to assess your current life carefully. Remember, you are not your cancer. Despite having a cancer diagnosis, you deserve as much joy as you can from this life. This may take some extra effort on your part, but it is time to call upon your resources or build new ones to assist you.

Cancer as a turning point

Cancer can create chaos or act as a turning point. Let this be a time to learn to do better, strive harder, and be the best you can be. I ask you to do the same with those around you.

Discourage them from using the pain of anticipatory loss to become an excuse. Instead, let them find ways to be proud of new accomplishments and to be true to themselves and the ones they love.

The lesson that comes when life may be shortened is that nothing is to be taken for granted. So let's not waste a moment. Have all the conversations you need to have. Ask for forgiveness and forgive yourself if required. Choose any outstanding battles wisely and find ways to fill each moment with love.

Editor’s Note: We are extremely saddened to say that on August 9, 2024, Ellen Reed passed away. Ellen’s advocacy efforts and writing continue to reach many. She will be deeply missed.