Bittersweet: Coping With Infertility When Your Best Friend is Pregnant

One of my closest friends is pregnant, and as much as I have always wanted to have a child (without any doubt in my mind), I will never be able to share this experience. Cancer robbed me of many things, but perhaps the most traumatic and heartbreaking of all included my fertility.

My joy for her is complicated

Like many young, soon-to-be-mothers nowadays, my friend (who is currently in her second trimester) recently shared her birth announcement on social media. She posted a compilation of video clips, filming her loved ones’ candid reactions, as she delivered the news to each recipient individually—whether in-person or via video call. Admittedly, it was a super sweet post that brought me to happy tears. Two weeks later, she methodically posted another video on her social media accounts, showing her and her husband eating cupcakes filled with pink frosting that revealed the gender of their baby--a girl, of course.

I knew all of this wouldn’t be an easy experience for me to endure. The depth of my involvement was expected, especially considering the closeness and longevity of our friendship. But witnessing it all first-hand, and essentially being present during these extremely intimate moments among her, her husband, and her closest family members and friends, just “hits differently.” And it’s all much more complicated than I expected.

Mourning the dreams lost to advanced ovarian cancer treatment

This situation confirmed some of the biggest fears and disappointments that stemmed from my cancer experience. I knew that not being able to have children would be among the most difficult aspects, but, more than anything, it hurts that I am unable to experience these significant life events and share them with my loved ones.

It comes down to so much more than losing my fertility and not being able to have a biological child. It’s the loss of a life that I had always imagined for myself. It’s the loss of family connection and one-of-a-kind bonding experiences. It’s not being able to know the reality and feel the immense joy that comes with finding out you’re going to have a child.

Emotional triggers are everywhere

Pregnancy and childbirth announcements, gender reveal parties, baby showers, children’s birthdays, first days of school, graduations…you name it. Sometimes it can even be a diaper commercial airing on TV. From major milestones, to all of the seemingly insignificant moments in between, these have all become triggers for me and for many women in my position. Unfortunately, it’s something I will be forced to deal with for the rest of my life. I can only hope that with time, it will all become a little bit easier.

Infertility will change our friendship, but not the strength of our bond

While my friend’s life will completely change forever, I am prepared for our friendship to change, too. But I remain optimistic that our connection will not fade, and that we will find a happy balance between acknowledging each other’s feelings and trying our best to understand each other’s perspectives in the most sensitive and compassionate ways possible.
Despite my occasional envy and resentment, I truly want to be there for her and her child, the same way I would have been there for her before, regardless of everything that has happened to me.