Caring for the Caregivers

Going through cancer treatment is rough. It can be a very lonely, depressing experience, not just for the patient but also for the caregiver. It doesn't matter if your primary caregiver is your husband, father, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, life partner, or someone else, caregiving is HARD. Many caregivers stay so focused on who they are taking care of, that they forget to take care of themselves.

How cancer changed my husband

It may not seem like it as a patient, but besides healing, one of our most important jobs is making sure our caregivers are staying mentally and emotionally healthy. My husband was blessed to have my dad to talk to occasionally as my dad had been my mom's primary caregiver when she went through cancer 3 times. My husband also had a wonderful friend at work he could talk to. That wasn't enough. He stopped going out and doing things socially unless I was alone. He seemed to feel the need to be with me when he wasn't at work.

I started by asking some of our mutual friends to invite just him out. Whether it was dinner, a movie, or going to the races it was time away from home and away from caregiving. These times were much-needed breaks from cancer life at home. Even if the thoughts of me were never far from his mind, he could relax and enjoy time with friends or his daughters without worrying if I was too hot, took my medications, or ate enough. Also asking trusted friends or family to take me, the survivor, out gave my husband a needed break to himself at home.

Desire to support other caregivers

From these early days of making sure my husband had time out during my treatment and recovery, came a desire in him to help other caregivers experience time outs and breaks. He saw a need for the other caregivers to get to know each other and become close like the survivors do. After attending our second ovarian cancer walk, he had seen many of the men just off by themselves, waiting for their wives to be done with their conversations so they could go home. On our way home he talked about creating a special group for caregivers to help them meet each other.

After that day, he created a group called TealMen of OC specifically for male caregivers. His goals were to give support, a place for the caregivers to tell their journey stories, and eventually give gift cards and other support to the caregivers. This group has grown to 15 0+ strong and still growing. For female caregivers, there are a lot of online support groups as well as in-person support.

Survivors need to understand the physical and mental toll caregiving takes on a person. They may be angry, dismissive, and upset a lot. Without having an outlet to express their emotions and just get away for even an hour, caregivers can end up with resentment, depression, and physical illness. By encouraging your caregiver to indulge in self-care, we are allowing our caregivers time to rest and recharge.

How can we support our caregivers?

How you can help your caregiver:

• Talk with your family and friends. If someone can take your caregiver out for dinner or an event, and someone can stay with you if you need it's a win-win. You get some new company and your caregiver gets some time to recharge and refocus.
• Encourage your caregiver to continue to participate in their own hobbies or interests. Let them go to their own area, and have some time to decompress. You can use texting to communicate if help is needed.
• Let them do the grocery shopping by themselves. It is a way of caregiving and also getting some time out of the house.
• Make sure you still have fun and joke! Yes, this is a serious illness, but you still need to live! If you're out shopping, put a funny hat on your bald head for a laugh. Go to concerts, movies, races, and just have fun!
• Let your caregiver express their frustrations and anger to you. Don't be offended if your caregiver gets frustrated and fed up, yells or storms out. This is a big red flag that they and you NEED a break from each other.

Surviving and living with ovarian cancer is a team effort. It's not just you as a survivor that needs care. Remembering that your caregiver may seem like a superhero at the time is great, but even superheroes need time to rest, relax and refresh. Caring for their mental, emotional and physical health is part of a healthy relationship and can contribute to a stronger relationship going forward.